This made my mouth water… sweating, chilled white wine… I am now hitting that point where I am not feeling all karmic and calm, real life is starting to kick in, and I am starting to feel the ups and downs of that and the moods that it all brings, and with it my resolve. My resolve is not lost, it’s just a little fuzzy. I do know this feeling well, and this is not how my story will end.
Day 11
Mondays do not rock. Monday’s most certainly do not rock, neither do they roll. Having had a naughty entire 3 days off this weekend (sneaking Friday off to take my daughter to her hospital appointment) it’s strangely harder to return to work on Mondays with a positive attitude. It doesn’t help that Monday is the busiest day at work, it also doesn’t help that it’s a public holiday and yet we were STILL BUSY, and it certainly doesn’t help that I work in the 2 busiest positions on this day. Anyway, grr and bah humbug aside, I’ve been battling grumps today. This in no way affects my sobriety, just is something I would like to note as moods like this can lead to Fuck It moments which can lead to losing sight of the end goal of walking away from alcohol. I’m not messing with my resolve, just acknowledging that it is what it is, and I don’t like it when I’m not feeling calm and focused and like I have a good grip on my journey. Having said that, this is all part of the journey, ups & downs. And I feel better for blabbing it all out… with my trusty flavoured soda water by my side.
Day 10
Gosh I love sober weekends – do you have any idea how long the weekend is when you are not hungover!?! You can fit heaps in because there is just so much time, and it’s all lovely…. not groany, and annoying, and hopeful it will be done quickly cos you feel like crap, and pissed off that you have to wear so much make-up because you look like crap and you don’t want anyone to see you that way, and impatient to get to a ‘decent’ time of day to start drinking all over again. Yep, not like that at all. Instead this weekend has been filled with waking up with a smile, waking up before 9.30 (with no alarm to drag me out of slumber), pots of tea, time at the library, visiting friends not seen in a long time, making pizza, watching Dr Who with our teenager, walking most of Sunday afternoon, baking with our 8 year old, and more reading. It has felt full and fun and I feel rested and ready for the week to start. Loving sober weekends x
Days 8 & 9
It’s Day 7 – the energy levels and happiness I am living is just gorgeous. Today I went to a movie with a friend – a fabulous French film called Superchondriac – and caught myself laughing in such a truly un-self conscious and joyful way many times during it. There was even a point during it where one joke had me laughing so hard I found it hard to stop. It wasn’t the laughing that was wonderful so much, it was the genuinely unfocused release, a genuine joy, a moment that I was lost in. There was nothing streaming through my body distracting me from the place I was in, there was nothing making me think or plan as to how I was going to get to it, there was nothing in my bag smuggled into the theatre, there was nothing finished in the dark of the theatre that distractedly had me thinking ofhow I would get some more and how I had not had enough… it was simply the experience of just being there, unfettered. And afterwards? Why we went to a bar and I enjoyed a scrummy alcohol free gingerbeer with a slice of lime, while my friend enjoyed a glass of wine. We talked and talked, told her about my plans and dreams – of being free of alcohol, of living a life truer to the me I want to be… all in all a liberating evening, and look, it’s been a week! Yay me!
Day 7
We started watching House of Cards at exactly the same time I stopped drinking. This post could have been titled ‘What I Love About Sobriety – Visual Detail’. This is such a great show, so clever and wonderfully written, with a great story line, but the reason I think it’s one of the best shows I have seen in a while is because of the two lead actors – Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright. As I watched an episode last night I was struck by almost imperceptible changes in these actors movements and faces, small but with enormous meaning, enough to change the whole meaning of a line, a scene, a plot. This is acting on a whole seperate level of what is available in other shows – loaded nuances that if missed will leave you with missing twists of the story. The same nuances would completely wash over someone with a skin full of alcohol. God I’m glad I’m currently not that person.
Day 6
an absolutely exhausting day, oh my goodness! Life can be tiring at times, can’t it.
Day 5 – just loving sobriety… and sober tiredness
This is my bedside table, and this is my current & planned pile of books. I love reading – I read ferociously as a child, so much so that all those hilarious stories told about me at my 21st birthday were reading stories. The moment I stop drinking I start reading. And reading and reading and reading and reading… such a happy place to be.
Day 4
I read this quote today in a book and it did exactly that, made me smile. This is so right for me right now, I truly am excited for my future. I know it’s a way off, but I’m so excited for what life without alcohol holds for me. Oh the things I will be able to do without the shackles of drinking. But of course, one day at a time..
I have added a little to my quest for 365 days without alcohol. I have made the decision that the quest I am on needs to be more all encompassing than just the alcohol side of things. I know from experience that when life seems hard, or work becomes stressful I let these things become a reason to give up on giving up. With this knowledge in hand I have decided it is time to take a more holistic approach & look at my thoughts & my attitudes. Basically, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when things seem ‘hard’ and instead opt to own my situation – the good & the bad – and strive through either with the same pace.
It’s very easy for an alcoholic to find excuses in this world, but before I fell into this current situation I was a strong, able, together person. Yes shit would get me down, and I would kick & scream about my lot, but I didn’t use it as a direct link to a way out I just considered hard stuff to be all about making me a better person. I’d like that person back thanks.
So I have decided to give myself a year to do more than just walk away from alcohol, this year will be about accepting & living with my lot, and striving successfully through it. I’d like my life to be different, but this is never going to happen if I don’t adjust my life view first. So I am working on my thinking, attitude, approach, and ultimately my serenity. After a year I truly hope I can rub my successful hands together and say ‘right – what next!’
Day 3
Thats not to suggest that sleep is suddenly peaceful & glorious & I awake like Snow White with a stretch in my arms & a smile on my face. No, that’s not it al all. In fact it’s remarkable how much time is spent AWAKE across the night, awake & alert. What is wonderful about it is that it can be fractured, hard to acheive, filled with tossing and turning and I REMEMBER IT ALL! Not the deathly sleep brought about by alcohol, but light, aware sleep. Its wonderful.
And what I love the most about it is that, even though sleep is seemingly rough & fractured, I awake in the morning feeling good & feeling rested. And yes, with a smile on my face x
Day 2
I read an article in the magazine Mindfood the other day about failure and our attitude to it – basically that we should accept failure as part of any journey to succeed, rather than beat ourselves up. I would agree with that – just because I keep stepping back does not mean that I do not want at some point to succeed in my wish to become sober. It’s all there in my head – I just need to make sure the language is positive and focused on the end goal. This is not easy, but then there was never any expectation that it would be. I need to want this, I need to rethink the person I want to be, and I need to accept change. Ultimately I love who I am when I’m sober, and I do not love who I am when I’m drinking. Ultimately that will win through, and be enough of a reason to understand that the failures are all part of the journey.
Day 1
Mine's a Tea 